Behind the Future Ahead

Oh sure, it always take me so long to write another post. like, months.
yep, been busy with papers and papers and papers and finally final paper and have just been a fresh high school graduate.

whats up with me? well, i cut my hair. it doesnt change the way i look dramatically, but well, i feel quite fresh for a new beginning. i admit i dont do a lot to society lately. one plan of social project has officially fall into the ground and burnt into ashes.

and thats not the only thing that crash.  deep down inside, my soul was broken. i've faced so much rejections in life, but i remember that day, that Thursday, when my world turns upside down. I went overseas for an entrance exam, and went to another city to aim for scholarship. I literally dying for a chance to pursue education overseas. i was not sleeping for like a week or so to study. I tried to save my mother's dignity by aiming a scholarship in one of the prestigious private uni in Indonesia. And on that day of march 2011, i felt like an total idiot. The rejection email from overseas came on 2pm and that other uni announced that they wouldnt give me scholarship for the major i planned to take there on 4 pm. on 6 pm, i was buried under blankets, pillows, furry dolls, pretending to sleep. that was the hardest sequence of two hours in my life. felt like i had turn my back on my parents, wasted all their efforts to get me here and there to take those tests. i felt the outrageous rage to my own incapability."There are people who can get them", i said to my self. "A lot of people could even achieve better than that, why couldnt you, idiot?", i asked to myself. I was mad at myself for being such a failure. i was extremely disappointed. it was like, the lowest point of all my time in pursuing education. the first time i feel like all these years i study was wasted. i thought i should better stop going to school earlier and pursue career in a very young age. forget all those time i spent for reading books, taking papers and all the money you spent for classes; they could do nothing at all, i thought. i started to care less about school, thinking that everything i do will get me nowhere, felt like i was running out of chances, wanted to stop trying because i know how painful failure is. it was like someone rip off your chest and stab you right at the heart, but you didnt die just because you cant. you have to feel every bit of pain all those excruciation. are you tired yet of seeing me being   gloomy? dont be, here comes the twist.

yeah well, i fail again on my final grades. my average GPA is only eight point something out of ten. i was so stubborn and cocky not to do as what most do, as they say being unfair is common and usual and even almost a necessary if i want to get thru. and as predicted i ended up in jealousy of others grade, others who i literally saw and can prove cheating. "HA! life's unfair and you have to learn to live with that!" i yelled to my self. I was hurt from the very core of me. oh yeah, i acted like im okay with all of these. i appeared to always be happy-go-lucky , but only few know how much i was mentally destroyed. i kept positive thought tho, just to stay in sanity. i was, despite all the mental strength degradation, pushing my self to see the bright side. to not to lost hope. i turned to be introvert for a while, spent lots of time to rebuild a sincere smile from within. at that time, i almost forget how to laugh effortlessly. i didnt read self-helping books, instead i kept entertaining books away from me, and took a tuition and was like, the geek-est among the geeks. i started to see a light, a better understanding of everything i learn at school. pile by pile, i started piling back every bellows of sand of my hill of trust, to myself . well, i know im not an einstein-genius or a supreme brainiacs, but at least i now have a better understanding of my capability,of  what i am good at and what i am slack at.

i was, finally, in a better state of mind. i was finally be in peace again with myself. i realized that even if i cant blame anyone of what i did wrong, i also cant be in war to myself. it is cliche, but, well, you can do nothing else but to learn from what you did wrong. you cant fix the past, but no matter how bad you've done you always deserve a better future. I learned that dreams can wait, but future cant. even if your dreams fall off, you cant just abandon the future that lies in front of you.

and you know what? the better you think of yourself, the better your life goes. i was prepared to take another entrance exam test, the national league, where my chance is 1 out of 9000, (overall, thats what my tuition service offers: preparation for the national entrance exam for public uni) when i found out that i got accepted in Bandung Institute of Technology, one place i never even dare to dream to continue education at, thru a proposal that i sent without putting any hope on, i was tired of even wishing at the moment. yeah, this is no overseas, but this is still a bless, a gift from the Creator of universe. this is the place my dad dreamed  to continue studying when he was my age. a place that can put my mothers' dignity back on to the big family; as the last offspring i can finally make quite a notable hit. I'll be studying in school of planning and architecture, despite whatever people say about me taking this degree, i am excited to be enrolled.
you know how does it feel to finally taste the tip of bright light after being drown in sorrow? it does much more than healing the wound, it is.. dragging me back to essence of life. i feel even better than i was before the  moony march.

Therefore, i am grateful. I am very grateful.
Praise the Lord, Subhanallah.

And this, is the story i'll remember when i got thru hard times in the future.
This, is the story, behind my future ahead.